#Metoo and Maybe You

Rape and sexual assault seems to be running rampant. Our own president has recorded conversations that are degrading to women. Movie stars are coming forward to tell their story. The thing is, no one is doing anything about it. There is a lot of rhetoric and mass demonstrations. What good are those things? Since the beginning of humankind, women have been sexually assaulted and raped.

Every ninety-six seconds a sexual assault occurs. Over three hundred thousand people are assaulted each year. One out of six women experience sexual assault or rape. The saddest thing is that victims do not always report the rape occurred. Although they are the victims, they usually feel guilty, as if they deserved it. Society treats them like they have the plague. New relationships often fail because they are holding a secret, not wanting to be rejected. Women are the most likely victims, although there are plenty of men who experience sexual violence.

I woke up the other morning and a memory that I had pushed down deep, rose to the surface of my awareness. I never wanted to remember. It would seem that my sub conscious thinks I am ready to process and deal with it. Many women have told their story during this age of #metoo. So, that is where I will start the healing process. This is my story…

At the time I was in my early twenties. I remember trying to reach out to some friends to go to the bar with me. That did not work out for me, so I went to the bar alone. It was the bar I and all my friends went to. When I got there I got a drink. The band was about to start. In walked in this guy I know, and we hugged and chatted. I never had any reason to believe that he was such a bad person. So I left my drink on the bar and went to dance. Every once in awhile I would run up and take a sip of my drink. This went on for more than an hour. But I started feeling dizzy and disorientated. I knew I had not drank very much, so it was weird. About that time my friend asked me if I wanted to go back to his place and hang out. Sure, why wouldn’t I? I do not remember the ride. He and his friend put a ruffie in my drink. The next memory I have is being upstairs in a bedroom. The room had a single mattress without a frame. I could not speak. I could not move. I had to lay there while they took turns raping me. The next thing I remember was being led downstairs and someone called a cab. While we were waiting a third guy raped me on the couch. They walked me to the car. I could not ambulate on my own. I assume they paid for the cab, because next thing I remember, the cab pulled up in front of a friends house. I could barely open the door. I fell out of the cab and crawled to the door. The next day, I remembered what happened. I was so embarrassed, I told no one. How could I have been so stupid as to leave my drink on the bar. I felt guilty. I felt like I deserved what I got. A few days later I ran into one of the guys that had raped me. He acted as if nothing had happened and actually walked up to me and hugged me. I was frozen and terrified. In hindsight, I realize he was only making sure I didn’t remember. He walked away with a grin on his face. So I buried the incident deep down and have not thought about it until recently.

So that is my #metoo story. I know many people out there has had a similar experience. Please be strong. Maybe it would be helpful to write it down and read it. Do not feel guilty. Guilt can kill.

As always, read, comment, and share…..

The Men We Think We Have Loved

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I want to start by saying this is not a man hating piece, so that is what you were looking forward to reading, go elsewhere.

We learn what love is through our parents, family, teachers and community. Of course there are those who are not even that lucky. If you came from dysfunction then you will fall for dysfunction. Take that from me. It is the best lesson you can take away from this essay. I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately. I am just coming out of a relationship, so that tends to make you think about where you are in your life. You have to build a new identity. That takes a lot of mindfulness, which I practice daily. I do not always succeed. These reflections have made me look at my life based only on romances that I have had. I am 44 and I have been in love five times; each are in a different stage of my life, so it has been interesting to look back at “what was I thinking.”

So lets begin this journey with my first real boyfriend. He was older and white trash, which mortified my mother. However, she was even more mortified by the bruises. He like to throw me around and hit me. He left hickey rings on my neck so everyone knew I was owned, but not in the BDSM way. I loved him and after awhile I quit asking why I was being beaten. I was not a virgin when I met him, but he taught me everything I know about having real sex. Looking back now, I did not love him. How could I? It was the sex. It is usually women holding their vagina hostage, but not in this relationship. So number one, not love, just naivety.

I spent several years after that just sleeping around. I never cared to get attached to any of them, or any man after the experience I had with number one. Yet, number two came along. I won’t go into detail about how we met, but do let me say this: I walked into this guy’s apartment and before I could even get all the way in the door I turned to my left and saw him relaxing on the sofa. There were two things that happened at that moment. I looked in his eyes and I fell in love instantly. I just knew he was my soulmate. The second thing I saw in his eyes was his soul. It was broken, he was broken and no one even noticed because he was so happy on the outside. But I knew and I knew he was lost to the world and there was nothing I could do about it. All that happened in about forty-five seconds. We saw each other for a year. I loved everything about him. His looks, his smell and even his hacky sack skills. On the eve of my twenty-first birthday, my cocaine dealer let me sit at his house all night and snort all the coke I wanted. I went home about 7AM the next morning. I had to work a few hours in the morning so I got dressed and went. I wasn’t there long before my kitchen manager came to me and said I had a phone call. Something was off, I could tell. I picked up the phone and a good friend of mine and this guy was on the other end. He desperately asked me if I was okay. I said yeah I’m cool, tired but ready to party tonight. He said I have been looking for you everywhere. He said everyone is looking for you. Then he said “I’m so sorry.” I said for what? He said you don’t know? Know what? The man who I would have given my soul too killed himself just after midnight. He sat on the train tracks less than a half mile from me, drunk on Jim Beam, and about an hour into my twenty-first birthday he let the train do its work. I was devastated. The tears filled my eyes until I could not see. All I kept saying is “he’s gone.” However, as devastated as I was, I was not surprised. I mourned this man for a decade. So number two was love. It was that special tingly love you have in your early twenties when the world is laid out before you and the future is bright. I still love that guy, and would give my right arm for just ten minutes with him.

After number two, I went back to my whoring around. I stayed drunk for several years. Long story short ( and it is a great story) I met my baby daddy(I love saying that). A month later I left my town and moved to the Midwest. I was fifteen hundred miles from home coming off a coke habit. The first week I was there I got pregnant. After three months we knew things were not working out but we both wanted our child to have two loving parents. He was broken too. I tried to fix him but it did not take. The baby was born and we moved back and forth between here and there. We had been together for three years and most of it was shit, because baby daddy was a piece of shit. I swore I loved him and I needed him. Our last fight was the last we ever saw of him. Right after he put a fist through a door instead of my face, we knew it was done. He wasn’t an unintelligent man, so when he turned and said to me “You are not in love with me, you are in love with the idea of a family.” I felt like a ton of bricks was dropped on me. First of all, I realized immediately he was right. So guy number three was not love at all, at least not the kind anyone needs. This was my mid twenties.

I promised myself that I would raise my son way differently than I was raised. I would not date or even entertain the idea of a one night stand. I spent every moment in school, working, and parenting. My son came out a little bruised but with a good childhood burned in his memory. In my early thirties, I started writing poetry and posting on MYSPACE (remember that oldie but goodie). I became a part of a network of poets from all over the country and a few outside of the US. We read each other’s poetry and commented, expressed feelings and critiqued one another. Many of these poets are very successful these days getting their poetry published. So guy number four was in this group. He and I had read and chatted about poetry for two years. One night however, the college basketball team that I love (GO UNC) had just lost the championship, and this guy called me to rub it in my face. I have no idea how he got my number. He lived a state away and we talked for a few weeks, then I went up there. I was so infatuated with him. But I was moving even farther away and it just could not work. The day I left, we both stood there crying. A beautiful friendship upended by emotions and sex. So was it love? I think I loved the fact that someone loved me for my mind. Looking back however, it was no more than an infatuation of his excellent and superior skills of writing.

Life moved on. My son and I moved out of state for a year and when I came back I was still just as devoted to my son as ever. By this point I am in my mid forties. So guy number five arrived in my life in a weird way. It was all weird really. Things were good, until they were not. I love this guy almost as much as guy number two. He made me feel like no man had ever made me feel. I felt alive again, something I had not felt in forever. There was respect and trust. He told me I was beautiful and sexy and was just perfect. He has beautiful eyes, but no lost soul in them. Things just recently ended with him. Though he was at fault for some things, I was mostly to blame for the ending. But as much as I am broken, I found out that he was broken too, and he wasn’t interested in being fixed. The more he pulled away the more I wanted him, but you know how that goes ladies. It backfires every time. I am going through the grieving process. I am still working through denial. I have so much sadness. It feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest. So do I love guy five? HELL YES. I have lost him. He was a great lover and friend and I would do just about anything to go back to when we met.

My reflections took me through my love life. As of right now, I could care less about men. Then I think, do I want to spend the rest of my life not having sex? Of course not. No matter what people say, sex always has emotions tied to it. That scares the shit out of me. This heartbreak is going to take some time to heal. If I am lucky, I will still have my fifties, sixties, and possibly my seventies to find love again. At my age though, I think it is better to find a companion. You are together but not beholden to one another. I, like many of us have, am beginning to rebuild that cruel wall that was so easily demolished by guy five. Trump’s wall is not even a footnote compared to the wall I am building. It will be impenetrable. No man will ever get inside again. Too much? Not if your love life has been pulverized . So, as I said at the start, I am doing a lot of self reflection. I have so much to understand, and a lot of self improvement to be had. Maybe in my fifties, I will look back to this and laugh my ass off. So ladies and germs, take some time to reflect on all of your past relationships, not just the romantic ones. You may find that you do not know yourself as well as you think. Please remember to not dilly dally too much in the past. Stay mindful.

Wishing you all the best of luck in love lives. Remember love doesn’t come to everyone, so if it has come to you, then feel honored. The universe chose you. To those that have not found love, I guess I should say keep trying. But be grateful that your heart hasn’t been reduced into a million pieces.

As always read, subscribe, comment and share. Would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

Rejection/Being Told No

We all learn early from life that there are two things that will experience. You will be told no and rejected more times than one would like in a lifetime. How many times have you been rejected by men, women, jobs, art you created, and the list can go on and on. Even your body rejects certain things you love. For example, I love alcohol, and I feel like it is my friend. But my body has finally started rejecting the drinking. So my body rejected me and made me give up a super friend, alcohol.

It all starts during your childhood. it starts almost as soon as you realize you have arms and hands and feet. You here nothing but no from the time you were born until about age four. The no side and all the no’s that came to you all were bombardments of seeming to have a negative perspective on everything. It;s as parents and all those that touch the life of a child and an adolescent Children came become timid as they develop. Not all children, but a majority. From the toddler years and through the high school years, kids are taught that disappointment and rejection is a part of this world. These children grow into cowering beasts afraid of everything, but mostly rejection. Into adolescents, where these kids are becoming their own person. They start rebelling against no and rejection. They are angry and self-serving. But they become adults and there is no more no’s and rejection from your parents, teachers, family, doctors, etc…

Whether not it is college or just getting job after high school is a person’s first real experience they have with rejection. It could be you fucked by a professor or someone you are interested in who turns you down for a date, or even job rejection. Most people if not all have gone through this process. Sometimes we struggle and sometimes we take it as a learning experience. But we all learn to accept rejection and being told no. However, it does not make it easier. Sometimes it breaks people. Sometimes it makes people stronger. The Chaos theory proves there is no way to know which way you are going to go.

I have recently been full on rejected. For eight weeks I lived in hell not wanting to except the rejection. What a fool. But being rejected isn’t easy in any format. I am over denial now and I am working through the steps of grieving, much like death. I am no longer going to let this rejection control my life. That is easier said than done. It takes a strong amount of self confidence and mindfulness. It takes even more to have those two attributes.

In the end, no matter what no you were told or who rejected you, it comes down to one thing: It is not how you fall, but how you pick yourself up again. I am doing my best to oick myself up in teh right way. In a way that I will succeed. There is no recipe, just trail and error. I know it will get easier, but right now it doesn’t feel like it.

I wish you all the best…..feel free to subscribe or share or both. Comments welcome.


I know that many of us would love to have Trump impeached. And it is not to say that I personally or many of you out there want Mike Pence in office, but he seems to be more reasonable, but still evangelical.

So I have my perspective on the situation as all of us do on both sides of the road. However, a friend pointed something out to me that I had not really thought about. Let us say that we do bring Trump up for impeachment. One would think it would be an easy process. Even the republicans can not stand him, and some are out right leaving the party.

But it is not going to be that easy. I am all sure that you remember the Clinton years. They were great years. However, Clinton got himself into a little trouble concerning a dress, a blow job, and a cigar. The evidence went beyond circumstantial. Yet his popularity, and a majority house and senate kept him from impeachment. He is one of the most beloved presidents in the history of the United States.

With that being said, lets just think about Trump. There is enough evidence, not even including his stupidity, to bury him, making the world a better place. Trump is no Clinton, but if he is tried for impeachment and wins, Trump will become a god of the right and if he is impeached, he becomes a martyr for the right. People will change their minds. Trump supporters that we never knew existed will come crawling out of the wood work.

If Trump is reelected, our nation will be on its last leg. We will crash and burn. We will not be the proud and powerful United States. We will be weak, and if another country wants to take us, they will. What is even scarier is that this country is on the brink of civil war. Alabama and Georgia have passed the strictest and scariest abortion laws since the 1950’s.

I thought that the Supreme Court settled this issue with Roe versus Wade. Southern states are beginning the same process that they did over 150 years ago. This issue is going to come down to State’s rights. Our centralized government is weak. The Supreme Court is not stacked in our favor. As a woman, this scares the shit out of me. But what scares me most is this state versus federal law.

Something needs to be radically changed. We are the land of the free, and we are losing our freedoms everyday. Soon, we will have nothing left to loose and we as a people will have no choice but to ban together and fight the evil that is lurking behind every corner and shadow. I do not want that life.

This Makes Me Angry

Alabama passed a law today that almost removes the right to get an abortion even in cases of rape and incest. Did the Supreme Court already rule on this back in the day? Roe versus Wade. Next to Mississippi, Alabama is the most ass backward state in the Union. Check out this article to get the low down. All you have to do is click the link!


Technology and the World Today

Once upon a time a pencil, a chalkboard and even the eraser were all considered technology, but globally we all know technology rules the earth. Technology is killing us. We are no longer radical thinkers unless one is arguing politics or religion. We do not communicate verbally or tangibly. Everyone wants to sit on their phones, laptops, and any other piece of modern technology. No one wants to go visit anyone. We have our food delivered and someone shops for our groceries. The stupid question is why would one want to leave the comfort of their home when they can just Face time friends and loved ones. People have become too comfortable and too sedentary in their lives. When is the last time you sat down and had a conversation with a relative or friend in person, within touching distance? I am guilty as sin. I prefer to stay in my room with my things. When I close the door, I close out the demands that the world makes of me. I am selfish.

Still, we are very lucky here in America. We have freedom of speech and press. We can say or do whatever we want. I can look Trump straight in the face and call him a fat ignorant jackass if I want. But others around the world are not as lucky as we are. In some countries, using technology in ways that the government disapproves off can bring a person prison, flogging, stoning or even a worse death. Some countries like China, Russia, and North Korea not only monitor all traffic on the internet, but they will sometimes shut down all the internet access in the country. I am not stupid enough to believe that my government isn’t monitoring me. It is the way the world is going. The difference is that my government may be listening, but if I don’t say bomb, I am good to go.

This world has become a horrible and intolerable place. I share in the nationalism of my fellow citizens, but it makes no difference. Globally, we are a fucked. Society is breaking down everywhere. Courts and governments around the globe are tightening down and being overly strict where the law is concerned. It would seem that people in the government are making us less freer everyday. There is no balance left, just paranoia. Blind justice no longer rings true in this or any other country.

In conclusion, the universe has left us flailing. Humans have single handedly destroyed our humanity and are succeeding at destroying all that is left for us: Earth. Its our world. No one belongs under a dictatorship. Evil comes in so many forms that it is sometimes hard to recognize, kind of like not being able to see the forest because of the trees. Wake up world, it is time to take back our countries, our land, and the freedom that all should have.

Hatred: It is Killing Us All

This is a nation that has always stood together proudly in the face of our enemies, but now everyone hates someone because of race, creed, sexuality, money, etc…There just seems to be no compromising. People are pitted against one another. Families are torn apart by religion and politics.

I can’t abide by this new hatred that has grasped the country. Actually it would be more accurate to say all over the world. I have tried really hard since before the election to not let the media, liberal or otherwise, have an affect on my life and understanding; however, there is no escaping it. You hear people talking on buses, the lines at Wal Mart, just about anywhere. I used to love politics, but what this country is serving up is not what our founding fathers had in mind. I have recently, quite unknowingly to me, but I have begun to embrace the hatred; even I too hold prejudices, and I consider myself an open minded person. I am not proud of myself.

But I was born in the land of cotton and tobacco. You will find no stronger hate in this country than in the South. Since the day the Civil War ended, hate has fueled every Southerner’s prejudices against Northerners. In the South the Civil War is known as “The War of Northern Aggression”. Almost two hundred years have passed since the war ended. But the war never ended here, in the hearts and minds of all Southerners, the war is still raging and I expect it always will. Southerners will always be Southerners, no matter how opened-minded they are or pretend to be, and they have a really long memory about the brutal war and how they were treated at it’s cessation. The South made it through Reconstruction, martial law, and Jim Crow. President Johnston took the very segregated South and integrated it. No more whites only signs, or coloreds use the back door. African American children set next to white children in school. Some even made friends across the race border. Unfortunately, it only took the South about three decades after integration to segregate themselves on their own terms. In my city African Americans still live in the same neighborhoods together, as do the whites, and the Latinos. There are separate funeral homes and cemeteries. When my son’s father moved from the Midwest to the South, he didn’t stay long. He hated it. He did not understand the mentality of the South. You have to be born here to get it. I once had a professor who was teaching History of the Antebellum South who also happened to be African American and a Southerner and had experienced segregation and integration. So I posed a question to him: “Do you feel like an African American living in the South or do you consider yourself a Southerner who happens to be black.” The gentleman was stuck. He could not say anything for a few moments, then he said, I have never thought about it. He had no answer for me. Anyway, equality will never ring true, especially in the South. I loathe it, but I am a Southerner, therefore I can understand it.

You may ask yourself why all of this matters. I am a historian. I see patterns and behaviors that have been on life’s center stage throughout time. History inevitably repeats itself. That within it’s self should scare the shit out of people, but it doesn’t.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose

The title is an oldie but goodie. Most of you remember Janice Joplin bellowing out, or maybe you heard it in Kris Kristofferson.

But in this day and time I think it applies to not only ourselves in the United States, but to every country around the globe. It does’t matter about first world or third world, we are all humans. Where is the humanity anymore?

Without trying to sound condescending, I find that I am more intelligent that the average citizen. It is hard for me not to ridicule the masses and their lack of responsibility. It used be Generation X were the do nothing generation. But what we see today are the millennials, humans brought up in a time where technology always existed, digital natives if you will. Poor them. It doesn’t give them the right to live at home till they are 30. It is great that they mobilize young Americans, and care about saving the earth; however, I and scared shitless that they will be leading this country one day, which technically not bad considering who is running things now.

Unfortunately it is not just the millennials that are making a mess of things. Alabama just made abortion illegal. Why are women’s rights being filleted in both the federal and state arenas. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a card carrying member of the feminist party, but I do believe in equal rights for everyone, not just the white people, or the rich, EVERYONE!

In conclusion, I do feel like “freedom is just another word for nothing to loose”. We are losing our rights daily. I  love my country, but I would rather live in Shetland.